Loneliness

I've been searching for a good poem tonight on loneliness, but this is a sensation that conjures up such melancholy and self-pity that the poetry on the topic is generally dire! So, self-pity aside, I wanted to jot down a few notes on my sensations of loneliness - a feeling that is not new to me because I seem incapable of staying in any one location or with any one person for more than a fleeting amount of time!
So... loneliness.... you tend to know it's creeping into your life when:
- you eat every meal alone and generally standing up.
- you end up spending hours on the internet reading strangers' blogs (I hate this!)
- you don't end up going to bed until 3am because you feel too hollow inside to be sleepy.
- you walk for hours at night because you can't face another long night at home. You walk even more at the weekends.
- you come home and see your roommate's boyfriend's shoes and know they are lying on bed watching a movie together.
- you are happy to see familiar strangers who go to your yoga class because their presence is comforting.
- you walk down the street and know that nobody is looking at you as an interesting and feeling human being but only as a foreigner (and one who is apparently readily available for sex!!)
- you start wondering a little too much why your relationships always fall apart.
- you have to fight back tears when you see couples and friends laughing together and showing affection.
- you start making a running commentary of your life in your mind and you talk about yourself in 3rd person (a sure sign that you're spending too much time alone!).
- the only people who talk to you all day are the men on the street who say "sexy, sexy, sexy."

Of course, all of these feelings are heightened, or even initially created, by boredom. Unbelievably, despite being in an incredibly new culture that never fails to surprise... I'm bored. Mainly because I sit at my desk all day and have nothing to do. But I'm trying hard to think of new projects and make new friends so all self-pitying and melancholic posts are eradicated from this blog!
But nobody should underestimate the difficulties of moving to a new city where you don't know a soul - especially when you don't speak the language. I always like to forget exactly how emotionally challenging this experience can be. But, fortunately, I also know that it generally gets better. So I just have to ride it out and look for the damn silver linings!